We start out on our life journey expressing ourselves freely. We just are, without question or e
xpectation.
Over time our experiences and interactions create belief systems that change our perception of our self and our world. When we’re young we believe the things we’re told or witness about how we should be; that information is imprinted on our subconscious and with it the experiences we enjoy or endure reinforce those beliefs.
As perception is stronger than reality what we perceive to be true becomes our reality, validating the belief system buried beneath the layers. This is why we see people attracting similar experiences over and over, demonstrated in abusive relationships when a person leaves only to experience abuse again in the next relationship.
I’ve met people who’ve adapted and modified their version of self so much t
hey see a stranger in the mirror. When asked “Who are you”? they can’t answer. They can tell me all the negative things about themselves, but not the positives.
I demonstrated this loss of self when I ‘became’ the role I was playing in my work life. I had a demanding role developing international trade relationships where diplomacy and tact, adapting to other people’s expectations were paramount. This was reflected in my personal life at the time too. I played the part so well I didn’t know the difference between the façade and my authentic self. I went from being confident and assertive to tip-toeing around every conversation, afraid to offend. This continued for years and with it this vague sense of longing. It took a serious spinal injury to force me out of my role.
Through my enforced ‘rest’ and rehabilitation I had to look inside myself. I discovered painting as a way to express myself and my first works were large explosions of colour that in retrospect symbolise breaking up the shell I’d built around myself. Once that shell was broken, there was no turning back. I began to get a sense of what I wanted, who I really was. My immobility provided insight into the experiences of others. I could no longer see meaning in my former work and when the time was right I was led to my next step to influence policy and program changes for disadvantaged people and then on to work in an agency that provided support for torture and trauma victims. Each step was a journey leading back to my authentic self and life purpose. I found my passion through my own life crisis and interaction with other people and communities in crisis.
That was just the beginning because as my healing journey advanced and more life and relationship challenges presented I discovered layers of emotions, memories and beliefs buried deep in my psyche. I was forced again and again to dig deep into my past to find connections, triggers that continued to recreate situations in my current life experiences reflecting the negative conditioning of the past. People came into my life bringing lessons and as I learnt more about myself I uncovered further layers of belief I’d built up over the years. Being human nature to resist change, the unfoldment of each layer took work, time and the courage to risk losing the security of the life I knew and the people in it. We may not like where we are, but we’re comfortable there and afraid of what might happen if…
When I stopped to ask, “Why am I reacting like this?” “What does this remind me of?” I found a pattern running through seemingly unconnected situations. I’d be taken back to what on the surface was some unrelated incident long forgotten in my conscious memory. Writing all the times in my life when I’d had a similar situation or felt like that helped. As I identified recurring themes and named the emotional climate surrounding them, like grief or fear, a pattern would emerge of where my self-beliefs originated. I’d built beliefs that when ‘x’ happens, then bad things happen. Why? Simply because it had happened once – to someone else – when I was young and had remained in my subconscious as a belief reinforced by the fact that I’d recreated it over and over through various situations and relationship interactions until I ‘got’ it, until I was more uncomfortable being in that situation than with the fear of change.
We lose our authentic self by becoming what we think others want us to be, we believe what we’re told, we self-recriminate, won’t forgive ourselves for our mistakes, reinforcing what we already believe to be true about ourselves. We play it safe in relationships, presenting a version of our self we believe to be acceptable, lovable, worthy and valuable because we believe it will minimise our risk of being hurt. Fear becomes our guide when buried deep within us is love, openness, freedom and joy waiting to be expressed, creating a world of infinite possibility.
We find wholeness when we take the journey back to self, recognising we’re a 
divine spirit living in a physical body, here to experience life and learn who we really are; to express that self without fear of judgement or recrimination, ready to attract unconditional love and acceptance. The ‘right’ of passage is getting to the belief that you have the right to BE yourself, HAVE the life you wish for, that you are worthy and lovable exactly as you are.
Heather Lee
Published in Connect Magazine
December 2016-January 2017