Writing my recent Facebook post about the book Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch took me back to around this date in 2012 when I hosted my last guided meditation evening as the former Dragon Fly Transitions at Smithfield. It was a challenging time in my life and I was feeling a little lost and wondering about where my journey would take me next.

What happened during that evening was deeply profound for the group, me included. I had an inkling it was going to be a ‘big night’ so to speak because prior to each meditation I would check in to see who I’d be channeling for the night.

Well, that night I got more than I bargained for when my question was answered by a deep booming voice that came from so deep inside of me it resonated in every fibre of my being. The answer was “The One”.

Our journey that night was huge. We were taken back to the moment prior to our birth in this life and asked what it was we came here to do – our mission, our life purpose. Then the journey took us to particular transitional points throughout our lives, various stages and choices we’d made right up to the present day. Then we were asked to answer the question “Have I fulfilled my mission? If not, why not? What am I going to do about it?” Then we were taken to the future to see what was possible for us and if that was how we wanted it to be.

We were then brought back to the present moment and some of us took a while coming back because it had been a long and deeply moving journey.

So, as I ponder the possibilities of 2017 and beyond, it brings me great joy to revisit that night and know what whatever I dream of is possible, in fact is not only possible, but already is – if I keep the faith.

To quote the words of ‘The One’ from Conversations with God, “No prayer – and a prayer is nothing more than a fervent statement of what is so – goes unanswered. Every prayer – every thought, every statement, every feeling – is creative. To the degree that it is fervently held as truth, to that degree it will be made manifest in your experience.

‘When it is said that a prayer has not been answered, what has in actuality happened is that the most fervently held thought, word or feeling has become operative. Yet what you must know – and here is the secret – is that always it is the thought behind the thought – what might be called the Sponsoring Thought – that is the controlling thought.

‘If, therefore, you beg and supplicate, there seems a much smaller chance that you will experience what you think you are choosing, because the Sponsoring Thought behind every supplication is that you do not have now what you wish. That Sponsoring Thought becomes your reality.

‘The only Sponsoring Thought which could override this thought is the thought that God will grant whatever is asked, without fail.

‘The process of prayer becomes much easier when, rather than having to believe God will always say ‘yes’ to every request, one understands intuitively that the request itself is not necessary. Then the prayer is a prayer of thanksgiving. It is not a request at all, but a statement of gratitude for what is so.”

We start out on our life journey expressing ourselves freely. We just are, without question or expectation.

Over time our experiences and interactions create belief systems that change our perception of our self and our world. When we’re young we believe the things we’re told or witness about how we should be; that information is imprinted on our subconscious and with it the experiences we enjoy or endure reinforce those beliefs.

As perception is stronger than reality what we perceive to be true becomes our reality, validating the belief system buried beneath the layers. This is why we see people attracting similar experiences over and over, demonstrated in abusive relationships when a person leaves only to experience abuse again in the next relationship.

I’ve met people who’ve adapted and modified their version of self so much they see a stranger in the mirror. When asked “Who are you”? they can’t answer. They can tell me all the negative things about themselves, but not the positives.

I demonstrated this loss of self when I ‘became’ the role I was playing in my work life. I had a demanding role developing international trade relationships where diplomacy and tact, adapting to other people’s expectations were paramount. This was reflected in my personal life at the time too. I played the part so well I didn’t know the difference between the façade and my authentic self. I went from being confident and assertive to tip-toeing around every conversation, afraid to offend. This continued for years and with it this vague sense of longing. It took a serious spinal injury to force me out of my role.

Through my enforced ‘rest’ and rehabilitation I had to look inside myself. I discovered painting as a way to express myself and my first works were large explosions of colour that in retrospect symbolise breaking up the shell I’d built around myself. Once that shell was broken, there was no turning back. I began to get a sense of what I wanted, who I really was. My immobility provided insight into the experiences of others. I could no longer see meaning in my former work and when the time was right I was led to my next step to influence policy and program changes for disadvantaged people and then on to work in an agency that provided support for torture and trauma victims. Each step was a journey leading back to my authentic self and life purpose. I found my passion through my own life crisis and interaction with other people and communities in crisis.

That was just the beginning because as my healing journey advanced and more life and relationship challenges presented I discovered layers of emotions, memories and beliefs buried deep in my psyche. I was forced again and again to dig deep into my past to find connections, triggers that continued to recreate situations in my current life experiences reflecting the negative conditioning of the past. People came into my life bringing lessons and as I learnt more about myself I uncovered further layers of belief I’d built up over the years. Being human nature to resist change, the unfoldment of each layer took work, time and the courage to risk losing the security of the life I knew and the people in it. We may not like where we are, but we’re comfortable there and afraid of what might happen if…

When I stopped to ask, “Why am I reacting like this?” “What does this remind me of?” I found a pattern running through seemingly unconnected situations. I’d be taken back to what on the surface was some unrelated incident long forgotten in my conscious memory. Writing all the times in my life when I’d had a similar situation or felt like that helped. As I identified recurring themes and named the emotional climate surrounding them, like grief or fear, a pattern would emerge of where my self-beliefs originated. I’d built beliefs that when ‘x’ happens, then bad things happen. Why? Simply because it had happened once – to someone else – when I was young and had remained in my subconscious as a belief reinforced by the fact that I’d recreated it over and over through various situations and relationship interactions until I ‘got’ it, until I was more uncomfortable being in that situation than with the fear of change.

We lose our authentic self by becoming what we think others want us to be, we believe what we’re told, we self-recriminate, won’t forgive ourselves for our mistakes, reinforcing what we already believe to be true about ourselves. We play it safe in relationships, presenting a version of our self we believe to be acceptable, lovable, worthy and valuable because we believe it will minimise our risk of being hurt. Fear becomes our guide when buried deep within us is love, openness, freedom and joy waiting to be expressed, creating a world of infinite possibility.

We find wholeness when we take the journey back to self, recognising we’re a divine spirit living in a physical body, here to experience life and learn who we really are; to express that self without fear of judgement or recrimination, ready to attract unconditional love and acceptance. The ‘right’ of passage is getting to the belief that you have the right to BE yourself, HAVE the life you wish for, that you are worthy and lovable exactly as you are.

Heather Lee
Published in Connect Magazine
December 2016-January 2017